Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Pooping to opera.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize