I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
