Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
