I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
