I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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