I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
