I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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