Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?