When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.