I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
