my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
