I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
