sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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