When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
