Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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