idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She's the barista slut.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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