when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
