i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
