I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
