he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
