I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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