I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
