Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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