Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
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if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
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Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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