I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
