I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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