You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize