I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
