I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
