I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
