I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
