Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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