I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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