we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
