Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
