Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I have fence marks all over my body
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
