HIV tests are more positive than that guy
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
