You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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