I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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