i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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