I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
