I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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