god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
