I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
