Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
