Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
