i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
