What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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