epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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