Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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