My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
