you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
