Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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