Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
