I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
