she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
