I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
