it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
