I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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