Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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